I Dont Want to Lose Myself in Love Again
Losing yourself in relationships is no fun. Information technology tin beginning out as a fantastic whirlwind of mutual connection, but over fourth dimension it turns into sacrificing yourself for the "good" of the human relationship.
In short, y'all tin't accept a functional, healthy lasting relationship unless you are able to maintain a potent sense of inner independence.
If you lot merge into the other person, and their world completely becomes your world, then your partner has nobody to connect with. You "dissolved" into the relationship and hence you cease to exist.
When you started dating (or befriending), you were an individual: not identical to anyone else, with your own interests and concerns. Y'all didn't all the same know what was expected of you in the relationship, so y'all couldn't perfectly conform to that ideal, even if you wanted to.
But once you get to know someone ameliorate, it becomes more and more clear: what they need and want from y'all, what they struggle with, what they expect, what makes them happy and what ticks them off.
In other words, the better you get to know someone, the bigger the temptation to become who they would desire you to exist.
When I say that, I don't mean radical brand-overs (like the terrible example of Grease. Sandy, what are you doing!).
What I do mean is that when you don't know someone, and they ask your opinion, the only affair y'all tin base that on is your own stance. Withal, in one case you lot know what they think of something, information technology becomes much easier to "dilute" your own opinion to make it more similar to theirs, all in guild to maintain a sense of peace and connectedness in the relationship.
This is how you start to lose yourself.
In this commodity, I will outline 6 ways you tin can lose yourself more and more in a human relationship. When you recognize these means, you can start to practice something about information technology.
one. Yous Question and Undermine Yourself
You tell yourself things like:
- "What I need isn't really important"
- "I don't know as much about this topic as they do, so I improve proceed my mouth close"
- "Information technology's not worth fighting about"
- "My partner (or friend) won't understand, so there's no signal bringing it up / lament"
- "I guess I'1000 simply wrong"
- "Why can't I exist normal?"
- "I'1000 simply weird"
- "I'one thousand only too sensitive"
2. You're not connected to your feelings
When you've learned to treat feelings as annoying intrusions that derail the logical and right path, then information technology's just a matter of time before y'all get really, really lost.
They tell y'all about what makes you happy and what makes y'all sad. They permit you know when you're stressed out and not feeling safety. They allow y'all know virtually what truly nourishes and inspires you, versus what drains and depletes y'all.
Existence able to feel and understand your own feelings, and what they are trying to tell y'all is crucial in order to not lose yourself in a human relationship. They are your anchor and your bearings: letting yous know how and where yous need steer.
Actually really getting what your feelings are trying to tell yous requires having the right framework first! Chances are, people taught you lot your feelings are merely burdensome gibberish, but they're not! And they will proceed hollering until yous hear them in the right manner. If yous'd like to find out more than, check out my many many "hard feelings" resource in the Happy Sensitive Library.
3. Yous Avoid Disharmonize
This is the dance equivalent of having "spaghetti arms". You tin can't trip the light fantastic toe with someone if your artillery are all floppy. There needs to exist some tension in your artillery. Your partner can but guide you on the dancefloor if they have something solid to work with. Relaxed yet strong artillery ways your partner knows where you lot are at, and tin can feel how to navigate you in the dance.
If you've never done couple dancing, think of it like the difference betwixt trying to pick upwards a rock, versus trying to selection up a piece of jello.
The jello is soft and kind and piece of cake going… and impossible to pick upward unless you kind of scoop it into your hands (then it will withal ooze out). The rock might be less "nice" only it'south piece of cake to work with: it's solid, clear and easy to pick up and put downwardly over again, without smearing information technology all over the identify.
When it comes to being kind and compassionate in a relationship, the model our mind jumps to is often "jello". Surely that'south the nicest substance to be! The rock is less popular: "oh, besides jarring, besides edgy, too heavy…" simply the stone "works" better.
In relationships, the tension is the spark. It's when you butt heads and hearts in small means that you are reminded that you lot are 2 individuals. When someone bumps up against your edges, they are reminded that you are your own person, with your own feelings and ideas. You are non human relationship jello that volition just ooze wherever there is a gap to make full.
When you feel tension, practice you want to smoothe it over a.s.a.p. to keep the peace and brand everything feel better? Y'all're non alone! This is a mutual tactic for HSPs, but as you can meet to a higher place, information technology backfires! This tendency takes away the spark of attraction and can as well get you walked upon! This is such a huge and pervasive struggle for us Highly Sensitive People that I taught a special class on it chosen Tension Tactics for HSPs. Observe out more about information technology here, within the Happy Sensitive Library.
4. You Don't Prepare Boundaries
Many HSPs who lose themselves in relationships will tell me that they are constantly telling their partner what they need and how things make them feel. Even so, it'southward all just talk.
Boundaries hateful consequences. Sure, you can explain your opinion, just if it's not backed up past a consequence, it'south essentially meaningless. If yous are waiting for your partner to agree with you before you volition create a consequence, and so that is not a boundary, it's a lack of them. A boundary is not about permission from other people.
A boundary needs to exist gear up from the inside out, based on what truly does and doesn't work for you. Information technology means if someone keeps calling you later on 10 pm, and you don't want them to phone call y'all that late, you lot terminate telling them virtually it and simply cease picking up the phone. The existent communication lies in what you do and not in what you say.
5. You Kind of Similar it This Way
Sure, yous hate turning into the sacrificial lamb, simply you too kind of like being able to "hide" in the relationship. When it's all about your partner, you don't accept to bargain with you.
Hither's the thing: if y'all want real intimacy, real closeness, you need to exist close to yourself first. This is what self love and self intendance are really well-nigh!
Just like y'all tin't honey someone else when y'all proceed them at arms' length, someone else tin can't love you lot when you lot keep yourself at arms' length. You tin't have a healthy human relationship when you lot're trying to hide and erase yourself.
Have you ever tried to comfort-hug someone who and then pushed you away? They were on the brink of tears and didn't want to be touched. Non even a gentle hand on their shoulder. How strange! Except, it'southward non. When someone has low self esteem, when they try to numb their pain and ignore
their ain needs, they don't want anyone else to come close either!
You see, nosotros all have hidden, shadow parts. These are the parts of united states that we are ashamed of. We don't want anyone to see them. We don't really sympathize those parts of ourselves and are uncomfortable with them. The moment someone else tries to "love" those shadow parts in us, all our shame surfaces full-force. Information technology feels terrible. It doesn't experience comfortable or loving at all.
So when you're in a relationship with someone who is distant, who doesn't see you, who doesn't make information technology about "y'all" it could very well exist that this part of you lot that craves to exist loved, is a part of you that you lot're not comfy with at all.
Y'all don't notice your lack of cocky dear, considering you're so busy worrying near why your partner doesn't love y'all. Simply the truth is, if they did honey and meet you lot, y'all'd be very uncomfortable!
For that hurting function of you to really exist seen, respected and loved would be (initially) very uncomfortable. All kinds of quondam icky baggage would surface. So it's actually easier to be with someone who doesn't connect with you at all on those points. That way, those shadow parts stay hidden.
What tin happen from in that location though is that you offset blaming your partner for not loving / honouring / respecting you. If this is a design, y'all demand to enquire yourself: "How is this serving me? How am I also rejecting myself? How can I piece of work on my cocky dearest and self care?"
Even if yous accept a terrible partner, focusing all your attention on how they should change, will do y'all no good if you – deep downwards – are more comfortable hiding your shadow parts.
You demand to know and exist connected to you lot, before someone else can go to know and connect to (the real) y'all. To have a healthy human relationship with a truly loving partner, you need to exist in good for you human relationship with yourself kickoff.
Are you open to beingness loved? Are you lot open to receiving dear? I've adult a simple do to help you feel more loved, and equally a effect, be more open to receiving honey. It's chosen the More Beloved Class and you can find it inside the Happy Sensitive Library here.
5. You Are Very Sensitive to Energy
… and you don't have any tools for sorting out what is what. And then when things get intimate, y'all get thoroughly confused (fifty-fifty if points 1-4 don't apply to you).
Salubrious boundaries for you are about more than what you lot say and do. They also require signicant energy know-how. If you and your partner try your utmost to be assertive and exist separate individuals, but you are energetically blending together… and so yous still stop up with a big dose of unhealthy people pleasing.
When y'all are very sensitive to free energy, self intendance also involves taking care of your subtle free energy boundaries.
I talk more about this in this articleand there is help for that in this program.
half dozen. You are Terrified of Existence Alone
I'one thousand not saying you should feel astonishing on your own. What is of import to note though is that if yous have a lot of experiences of being abandoned, chances are, all that feeling of abandonment is still inside of you lot. It's building bigger and bigger over fourth dimension, so much and then that yous become terrified of adding to it. It's like you can't handle one more drop of abandonment, because it but brings upwardly that old huge pool of abandonment pain.
So and then, you merge, you alloy, you lot avoid anything that would mean separation, fifty-fifty for a moment. And as a event, you drive other people insane and claustrophobic… leading to, getting abased. Or you end upwards working way also hard at connecting and as you are making all this effort.. deep downward you feel abased. You feel abandoned considering the other person doesn't give back.
If this is happening to you it'due south time to hit pause on improving relationships and work through those quondam feelings instead. This ways actually feeling them and letting them motility through and out and then that that whole huge pool of abandonment drains out.
Y'all need infinite to handle the inevitable pain that comes with relationships. If you're filled to the brim with old pain, you will end upwardly becoming incredibly easy to hurt and you'll lose your footing over the smallest thing. However, if you have plenty space inside of y'all, inevitable pain tin exist like a modest drop in an ocean: non pleasant, merely relatively like shooting fish in a barrel to deal with.
What now?
Set up a Clarity Call with me here if you notice you tend to lose yourself in relationships and you're non certain why or what to practice most it. Merging also much is very common for Highly Sensitive People and Empaths. It's easyfor us to do. It comes to us naturally. Staying more than separate doesn't.
Staying split up is non automatic. Y'all need to know the verbal nitty gritty steps to have: what to focus on, how this feels in your body, how to practice this. Because intuitively, information technology just feels like a mysterious elusive matter that other people somehow know how to do (for those other people, merging and blending is an elusive, odd affair!).
There is no i-size fits all. There are many different reasons why you might be blending and losing yourself. The strategies that work for you need to be tailored to who yous are and what makes sense for you lot. In a Clarity Call, y'all tin tell me about what y'all notice in your ain relationships and we tin devise strategies that suit you.
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Source: https://thehappysensitive.com/6-reasons-you-lose-yourself-in-relationships/
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